Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A Template for Facebook Posts, or "Please Validate Me"

A lot of Facebook posts are grabs for attention. (Heck, Facebook itself was a grab for attention. Anybody else remember when it used to read "A Mark Zuckerberg production" at the bottom of the page?) At some point or other, we've all been guilty of shameless attention grabs. But if you haven't been validated recently, here are some tried and true methods to get your friends to express their "like."

The Man of Mystery

"That didn't go as expected…"
"Wonder where THAT came from…"
"Today was…interesting…"
"Best. Day. Ever."
"Worst. Day. Ever."

This is maybe the most effective way to elicit comments because someone will rush to your post with a "OMG! WHAT didn't go as expected?!" You can then bask in the attention of a mini comment thread right on your own wall.

The BDE/Forever Alone

This one works like so:
"[Junk food] + [Junk TV] = Best. Day. Ever."
Example: "Box of Peeps + CSI: Jersey Shore = Best. Day. Ever."

One of these days, I'd love to see someone post something more along these lines:
"Ham hocks + CSPAN = Best. Day. Ever."

The Sassy Diva

The Sassy Diva unapologetically announces that she's unspecifically unapologetic and that she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and then sits back anxiously to see who likes and comments on her status. Ex:

"If you have a problem with my attitude, that's YOUR problem, not MINE. Don't care what anyone thinks, anyway."

Then there will be a rush of people who say, "You tell 'em!" or "We love you for your attitude, girl!"

The Jukebox

This is sometimes a subset of "The Man of Mystery," but it's whenever someone posts random and seemingly meaningless song lyrics. Ex:

"Life goes on living long after the thrill of living is gone…"
"In the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take…"
"These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting…"
"Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow…"

Note the obligatory use of ellipses at the end of the quote. These are especially necessary if you want to pull a Man of Mystery. Or you could just stick a "Best. Day. Ever." at the end and call it quits.

The Constitutional Scholar

This is usually an offensive and fallacious repost from a Facebook group with a name like "Ronald Reagan is humanity's lord and savior" or "conservatives want to execute gays…probably because their closeted gays." They usually have 1) a disturbing image accompanied by 2) an alarmingly current-sounding quote attributed to a founding father 3) a Tolstoy-length explanation at the bottom that's more ignorant and offensive even than the image. You could substitute requirement 2 for an obviously erroneous statistic.

Oh, and 4) these must be easily debunkable by a light Google search or casual trip to Snopes.com.

The Democratizer

"Hey everybody I just entered into [some competition]. Vote on my [pic, YouTube video, etc] so I can win a new knife set!"

Guilty. I did this one once. But never again—at least not until they start offering some really awesome knife sets.

The Seeker of the Obvious

These are people who could be directed to Google for the answer to their question. A few examples:

Q: "Anybody know where I can buy [obscure item]?"
A: Amazon.com, Ebay

Q: "Anybody know any deals on flights from ___ to ___?"
A: google.com/flights

Q: "Anybody know if there are any Sushi places in ___?"
A: Google knows.

If you really want to be a jerk (and you shouldn't), there's actually a website for this: lmgtfy.com. It stands for "Let me Google that for you."

The Latecomer

Someone who took a long time to catch that viral virus. We're talking, they're just now posting links to the Bed Intruder song.

The Benign Hack

"[Insert name of hacker here] is the bestest, most beautiful person I've ever met."

The Malevolent Hack

Yup. They clicked on the "OMG, you WON'T believe what this girl wore to SCHOOL" picture of the girl whose butt is hanging out of her shorts, and now it says that they "like" this video or page or whatever. Or they signed up for that unbelievably good deal from what looked like Southwest Airlines and then lost control of their Facebook page. 

The Dispenser of TMI

You know what I mean. This is the person who gives us instant updates on fights with relatives, problems with children, and all sorts of information that make your Facebook experience that much more awkward.

The #Hashtagger

#FacebookDoesn'tSupportHashtagsSoStop…TheyDoNothing

The Conspiracy Theorist

Seriously. The govment is taking away mah rahts. Also, never get a vaccination. Also, barcodes are the mark of the beast. Also, Obama is responsible for 9/11.

The Guilt Trip Travel Agent

These are images that say things like "Repost this if you love your mother." The worst I ever saw was something like, "Repost this if Jesus is your Lord and Savior. Sadly, only 1/100 people will repost this." First of all, that statistic had to have been made up before the image was posted. Emphasis on "made up." Second, my religious convictions do not mandate that I repost anything. My commandments came from Sinai, not Mark Zuckerberg and his affiliates.

The Sweepstaker

They repost some obscure product photo with the caption "Love [company]." in the hopes of being selected for a freebie.



So…I wrote this for a laugh, and I think we've all been guilty of at least one of these. I've been guilty of several. If you, dear reader, think of more, post them in the comments and I'll curate them into the post with proper attribution. 

1 comment:

  1. There haven't been as many lately, but for a long time there were posts that were essentially email chains--those stories crafted just to make somebody feel sympathy (or just feel bad). And if you passed it on then good fortune would come to you or whatever. "James had cancer then he got both legs run over off by a diesel truck driver whose wife just got cancer and will die soon . . . [miraculous or coincidental ending]"

    I think these are essentially for validation of some sort or another. The thing is, some of them actually do make you feel bad if you take the time to read them, but that's all they do.

    There are also religious ones, mostly about Jesus and a single line of footprints or finding his face in something that morning.

    And baby pictures. Because I am so insecure about my baby being cute that I need you to fawn over it. Every. Single. Day.

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